Been awhile but i need to talk...

I've had a rough time lately...i dont know why i just feel empty and like i cant do anything. i have no motivation.

....Lost

So I lost my dad this week...well I mean he passed...I never actually met him, or spoke with him so I guess so didn't 'have' him to begin with but it still hurts...he was cremated...even I'm death his appearance alludes me...I used to sing all the time, there was a rhythm in my heart, a beat in my bones, a melody in my blood, a song in my soul...and now....nothing........ Its as if the rhythm has stop, the beat broken, the melody distributed, the song thrown away. I feel nothing. There is so much nothing that I can't feel the nothingness that I feel...my family and friends are trying to help but they don't see the hole I see....you see I'm walking on a path and I can see the hole in front of me but I can't turn around and even if I pause, that's all it is a pause, I'll start walking again soon I'll reach the edge of the hole before I know it and I won't be able to stop there its to tempting to just allow the darkest to take me down with it, it'd be easier I could be completely numb and worry about nothing my day would be black and quite as death..."ha" isn't that ironic.....................

New me

Okay so I know new years is when most people decided to change something about their self. While I did "fast" from sweets in January and this month it's been fried foods I really wanna change myself more. Not just my weight but my all. I'm getting my hair done right now, it will be Red (I'm so happy ☺) I want to change my style make it more grown up. Maybe I'll give some of my old clothes to my cousin or a friend. I'm ready to 'grow up' I know it won't happen over night but I can do it. So I'm gonna post, every day if I can and hopefully be able to say "I'm proud to be me" 😀