Need to let off some steam

I've been struggling lately....had a lot going on both at home and I'm my head....
In the middle of a custody battle for my nephew right now... Dealing with a first job and getting walked all over at said job...in my first year of college... Starting to really become an adult, paying for stiff myself, going to the bank alone...I'm thinking bout kids a lot lately, even though I know that I can't have kids, due to my surgeries...it kills me that my sister was able to have a kid, who she didn't plan for who was not wanted at the time, and my aunt can have 3 kids, who she leaves alone to go smoke or shot up what ever she can find...but I who would care for and plan and love unconditional can't have kids.... I had myself for feeling this way I just don't know what to do anymore...I have some really bad thoughts lately, unholy, unladylike thoughts and I don't know how to get rid of them...I pray and I read my Bible I just don't know anymore....

Been awhile but i need to talk...

I've had a rough time lately...i dont know why i just feel empty and like i cant do anything. i have no motivation.

....Lost

So I lost my dad this week...well I mean he passed...I never actually met him, or spoke with him so I guess so didn't 'have' him to begin with but it still hurts...he was cremated...even I'm death his appearance alludes me...I used to sing all the time, there was a rhythm in my heart, a beat in my bones, a melody in my blood, a song in my soul...and now....nothing........ Its as if the rhythm has stop, the beat broken, the melody distributed, the song thrown away. I feel nothing. There is so much nothing that I can't feel the nothingness that I feel...my family and friends are trying to help but they don't see the hole I see....you see I'm walking on a path and I can see the hole in front of me but I can't turn around and even if I pause, that's all it is a pause, I'll start walking again soon I'll reach the edge of the hole before I know it and I won't be able to stop there its to tempting to just allow the darkest to take me down with it, it'd be easier I could be completely numb and worry about nothing my day would be black and quite as death..."ha" isn't that ironic.....................

New me

Okay so I know new years is when most people decided to change something about their self. While I did "fast" from sweets in January and this month it's been fried foods I really wanna change myself more. Not just my weight but my all. I'm getting my hair done right now, it will be Red (I'm so happy ☺) I want to change my style make it more grown up. Maybe I'll give some of my old clothes to my cousin or a friend. I'm ready to 'grow up' I know it won't happen over night but I can do it. So I'm gonna post, every day if I can and hopefully be able to say "I'm proud to be me" 😀

"Questions of Race Surround Chokehold"???

What does race have to do with this!?  The man died! because the cops used a move that is "against policy"!!! If all you see in this is that a black man....whatever! It doesn't matter that he was African American, what matters is that a man was held down by 4 or 5 officers, one preforming a chokehold and another holding the man's heads down with their knee.

Religion?

I was raised in a christian home. I believe in God and Jesus and The Holy Spirit. I know they are each 1 piece of a whole. I've been baptized. But I'm confused about so much more now....
Why do Christians have to grunt so loud when they hear something bad?  Like 'oh I got to make sure they hear me'

       Hey I'm Elizabeth Roze. This blog is chance for people to see what's going on in my head. I'm not famous. I'm not considered popular. I'm not some great scientist. But because of my past I look at the world in a very different way. I hope any one that reads this feels welcome and if you are offended by anything I say Let me know. I may not take it down but I would like to talk to over. :) 

      I am a senior in high school right now. I'm going to college for a Journalism major and a Photography minor. I'm hoping to use this blog to meet different types of people. I'll be uploading post, pictures, videos, songs, poems, pieces of stories and so much more. I hope you enjoy. :)